I'm not going to lie to you, I've been all kinds of in my own way creatively lately. It makes my output suffer just as much as my mood. Funny how those two things are tied together, isn't it? I'm working on the log jam, trying to sort out the flotsam and jetsam blocking my path, or at least find a way to pick through it all so I can move forward. My "break" has extended into the uncomfortable zone. It's like the end of the vacation where you are torn between wanting the comfort of your own home and also wanting desperately to remember the feeling of that first day in a new place where you had nothing pressing you needed to do.
Creativity can be problematic this way. So, during my "break" I cleaned my dry erase board with it's list of things I want to accomplish before my next birthday. That is a little over eight months away. There is still time to make the three things on my list happen but I felt that I needed the blank slate so I could really ponder if/how my priorities have changed since I originally wrote it five months ago. I've also misplaced my scheduling notebook. Oh, it's around here somewhere lurking in some pile or other waiting to let me know I'm not where I intended to be right now. I figure I'll find it when it's time to find it. It's waiting to sneer at me until my brain is ready to get out of neutral and start moving forward again. It's waiting for me to be ready to WORK instead of just piddle around with projects. Which brings me to my current state of mind. I need a dragon standing guard at my door. Preferably that dragon will collect stories, art, and craft projects while also successfully sharing them with the world. A dragon named...Sid. Yes, Sid will work just fine. Sid will be in charge of ushering me into my work zone and keeping me on task for a specified amount of time. There will be demands to see the progress made each day before I am allowed out for more than essential tasks like tea refills, potty breaks, and the creation of dinner - which Sid will also oversee to ensure that I haven't just slapped something together with no love of the process involved. Sid will call me on my bs-filled claims that I need to rearrange things before I can get the work done, and will also have the magical ability to block all the internet distractions that suck time into the void. Oh yes, I need Sid. I could also use Sid's smaller and more nippy cousin. Let's call that one Clementine. Her job is to not let me start a new project until the one I'm working on is done. You would be simply amazed at how many partially formed creations I have floating around. I've got the squirrels beat, hands down, with little stored up treasures that lie forgotten in hidden nooks in this house. Clementine could help rectify this embarrassing situation...and be in charge of my schedule. Yeah, that would be a definite help. So, if you know any dragons that want a job, send them my way. They will just have to work for the occasional pat on the head (just like I do) until I figure out how to successfully sell the manifestations they help me bring into the world.
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Yep, it's been a minute, but I'm back. No, it wasn't some fancy vacation or emergency that pulled me away. It was a bout of what I think of as "Book Release Postpartum Blues" related to my alter ego releasing Boo! last month. What's that, you ask? Well, it is the self-publisher's mental reaction to the turmoil of sending a new book out into the world. I have heard that it can also afflict the traditionally published and all other types of creatives when they finish a project that is close to their heart or has occupied a large amount of their time and effort.
Symptoms are wide and varied. Mine typically begin with an extreme feeling of relief that I have finally reached the "finish line" with the project. This feeling is catastrophically short lived because of the realization that I'm now responsible for the book's existence in the world. That means I need to work on promotion...which is not my strong suit. That thought leads to second guessing every single aspect of the book. The downward spiral begins there and goes something like this: Could I have worked harder on the illustrations? Maybe I should have used watercolors...or bit the bullet and gone with strictly digital art. I mean, that's all the rage these days and it does provide a smoother image, doesn't it? Why do I even attempt hand drawn art anymore? Why do I draw/paint/etc. at all? I mean, look at all those people out there with so much more talent than I have. There's no way I can compete with that! Is the cover going to attract any good attention? Is it cute enough? Will parents pass it over because it's not (insert adjective here) enough? Will kids see it and move on to something brighter, or scarier (since it's a ghost story)? Why didn't I (insert any number of ideas here...then insert a few more)? Are people secretly laughing over my attempt to share my work? Will they even notice? How many eye rolls are currently taking place because I am taking up valuable space on their social media news feeds with book announcements that are delaying their ability to connect to cat videos and political mayhem? I'm just clogging up the works with another pain in the butt "buy me" thing to scroll past. Heck, did the algorithm detect the post and just squash it from the get-go because "how dare I? not inject money into their ad creator?" Why do I do this? It's never going to get me anywhere. (Insert anyone's name who ever said anything even mildly negative about my art/writing) always said I was going to be a huge flop and that I'd be lucky to sell my work for pocket change. I should just stop trying. This writing thing is a pointless waste of my time. I need to take up cleaning as my hobby. That at least would produce some real, tangible results. We could convert my office into a guest room - that no one will ever use - after I get rid of all this crap that I have crammed in here. I could give it all to some actual artist who deserves to be able to use it... ...and so on. Ugly, isn't it? Ugly, self-sabotaging, and not nearly as true as it sounds when it's bouncing around in my head. It also takes a little while to wrestle into submission. I've learned to take a necessary break once the spiral begins. I've also learned to just let the nonsense yammer itself out while I do other things. The self-doubt will pass. The love of what I do will shine through all of those dark and nasty mental storm clouds. It's just a matter of time, and a need to not take the awful thoughts running around in my brain too seriously. They are only warty little anxiety gremlins in golf cleats trying to ruin my joy, and they'll tire themselves out before long. That creative well inside me is busy filling back up while the storm rages. Once it's past, I'll have a lot more inspiration to draw from. I'm nearing the end of all of the emotional shenanigans now, and more than a little happy that it's only taken a couple of weeks. I feel rested from the break, and things around the house have benefited from my "time off". I've started writing again, and I've been getting ready to start on a long overdue piece of art for a friend. In other words, life is good. I hope yours is, too. |
AuthorJosie Dorans Archives
June 2022
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