So, I just celebrated my half-century birthday. I know, I know, it's a big one...maybe THE big one. Weird isn't it? Let's face it, if you live to see that number and then continue living beyond, it really is just another trip around the sun under your belt the same as the last forty-nine or the next. Nothing new. Nothing different. But for some reason it has an extra weight in everyone's mind that causes more meltdowns than it does celebrations. Me? Sorry, it's not the number that stirs the chaos. I was very happy to eat cake and have a great day. And yet...there is still mental mayhem afoot. It's the tradition my brain has of scheduling an employee assessment type of thing during this anniversary week...and there is are always a lot of not so great notes in the margins of that report.
Most years I get to simply do the annual check in: Were my goals reached? If not, why not. Was I a decent human in the many and varied roles I play in this world? Yes/No? Explain. Did I learn from my mistakes? Give examples. You know, that type of thing. On the fives, I rehash the ten year midterm. Decades get a second look at how I've progressed since the last one's place was reset. Twenty-five was an interesting evaluation that led from my first breath to that milestone of adulthood. You get the picture. So, here I am at fifty now. My brain is engaged in the forensic audit of my life to date before it decides what it needs to address going forward. It's already issued its first verbal warning in the form of hauling out what I am "affectionately" calling The Bitterness List. Not a pretty thing, that list...and it's got quite a bit scrawled out in shaky letters penned in mental blood and tears. Maybe you have one, too? Don't worry. I won't tell - and I'm sure not going to judge you. That would mean having to show you mine so we could compare their specific gravity and determine which is worse. No thank you. This is what I AM going to do. I'm going to make a suggestion that I hope I will follow as well. As writers (and if you aren't, this is a good time to pick up the cruel little habit) I suggest that we use said list in our stories. Change the names and the events of course - innocent or not, there are protections for everyone in those hidden truths - but write that crap right out of your system. Purge it. Deal with it. (No, I mean ACTUALLY deal with it.) Then let it go! It might grow back, sure. New things to snarl about will show up because they always do. That's a given. But that nasty little monster that keeps nipping at your heals from the past? Yeah, that one can be expelled, exorcised, and laid to rest in your writing. Will it be a pretty process? Only if you consider pretty to look like a bad case of the flu. Will it give you a marketable book that is the next hot read of every book club out there? Maybe...maybe not. You are asking the wrong person here judging by my solid case of marketing leprosy (see...that's bitterness right there. Did you catch it?). If nothing else, it'll be a great addition to your campfire this summer. And it will be is worthwhile for you and those around you. Just think of how much lighter you will feel without lugging all that long-ago crap around. Plus, the world is going to look a whole lot different once you stop seeing it through the fog of past hurts. How can that not be a good thing? Best of all, once you lance that boil festering in your heart, you'll look back and see that your life has been a far more beautiful thing that you gave it credit for. Then you'll be able to look forward with a far better outlook. Chances are, next time you check your own Bitterness List, you'll find that far fewer things have taken up residence on it because you let the others go. Anyone with me on this journey? We'll regroup in the blankie fort as needed. I've got chocolate, and I make my own wine. Just sayin'.
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AuthorJosie Dorans Archives
June 2022
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